You know I love reading all this Nicholas but I also guiltily feel like a spectator, watching as you go through processing all these feels. I understand Mike’s comment above too, I just can’t cope being like that for very long. All this has made me analyze what I do in order to cope, what I do to carry on and I think it mostly boils down to trying my best not to think about it.
I watched the Qatsi trilogy when I was younger and that awareness of human progress and what it would eventually lead to plus all sorts of other late teen angst and too much thinking climaxed with getting put on meds. I managed to stop thinking and “get on with life” and be a good little capitalist productive worker until too much thinking again got me so worried that I quit everything and started “farming”.
Now I also do my best to not think about it too much but that has become incredibly hard since everyday I spend so much time in nature and I get to see the car crash happening in real time.
I don’t know what this comment was meant to lead to, just that I’ve gotten great comfort in some ways from reading your thoughts but that angsty teen in the background is starting to grumble about being heard again.
This comment gave me pause. I think 'angsty teen' has been the main chord playing for most of my life; even since before I was a teen. I believe that, in the last few years, I finally took a long-delayed step towards actually growing up. Doing a wilderness vigil with Martin Shaw's School of Myth was a big part of that. But it's only a step, and a very belated one.
I think this writing is me taking a lot of my angsty teen furniture and ornaments out of their storage, turning them over in the dim light, and wondering what I am supposed to do with them now. And - as I wrote back in January and February - I think that what I have here is probably a trap. I have the idea that the trap can be carefully investigated and that, maybe, doing that will help me and others to avoid 'touted ways out' that actually only work the trap tighter.
But I'm concerned about writing something without offering an answer. I'm concerned about stirring up energies that only hurt people. I could take either of the routes you mention. I've been thinking a lot about each of them this year. And then I could say that was my answer and then maybe some way down the line I'd find that I had just been trying to escape the inescapable.
Writing it feels good, certainly. Like stretching after too long cooped up. I'd like to hear something from the day you find yourself in, about the train wreck happening in real time. Real time is good stuff. I think that the surest thing I can say about the way out of this trap is that it involves keeping an eye on my attitude to time.
I wouldn’t be concerned about stirring up energies in people that may hurt them. I’ve always liked misfits (I was very much the shy teacher’s pet who never misbehaved) and I think the role of misfits, even if it’s just stirring up people’s thoughts and leaving a lot of unanswered questions, is becoming more and more important. If you tried to give me some sort of answer to these traps, I think I would have stopped reading you at that point!
I’m coming to think there are no answers.
My growing up, or maybe the start of my growing up experience was triggered by the sort of trauma a few years ago that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Maybe coming close to death will be a wake up call (or the start of an answer) for many.
I’m reading Hospicing Modernity at the moment and I’m struggling with it. However her personal stories about the children in NZ and what they say and her story of the hummingbird in the coma filled me with such joy and so I slog on through it.
Here’s what’s happening here… over the last few days we’ve had a bit of a tropical depression which has brought a good thorough rain after almost two months of dry, hot summer. I hate how they call it a depression because the rain fills me with so much joy. Everything comes alive! The mushrooms are popping up everywhere!
So anyway, I’ve been concerned the last couple of weeks because none of our flowering trees have flying pollinators, just a few of our stingless bees (I put in a dozen hives of the native stingless bees when I got into the same panic last year regarding insect numbers). So last night, after two days of rain, we were inundated with the small flying midgies (non-biting) that flock inside our house attracted to the lights. So an early-to-bed for us all last night in order to avoid our house being overrun. And today it seems noisier with cicadas and I saw a bunch of grasshoppers this morning. I accidentally brushed a praying mantis off my back earlier. Maybe all these insects have been confused about when they should be showing up. I’ll keep an eye out for fireflies tonight.
Anyways, hope you and your family are well Nicholas. Dougald has kindly let me join his talks next month. The wilderness vigil with Martin; I really hope to one day hear about what you possibly discovered or learnt!
Thanks. You know I took that first part as a compliment and then remembered how it's been beyond my capacity for so long and I've refused to admit it. This was much easier for me than many similar occasions in the past.
You know I love reading all this Nicholas but I also guiltily feel like a spectator, watching as you go through processing all these feels. I understand Mike’s comment above too, I just can’t cope being like that for very long. All this has made me analyze what I do in order to cope, what I do to carry on and I think it mostly boils down to trying my best not to think about it.
I watched the Qatsi trilogy when I was younger and that awareness of human progress and what it would eventually lead to plus all sorts of other late teen angst and too much thinking climaxed with getting put on meds. I managed to stop thinking and “get on with life” and be a good little capitalist productive worker until too much thinking again got me so worried that I quit everything and started “farming”.
Now I also do my best to not think about it too much but that has become incredibly hard since everyday I spend so much time in nature and I get to see the car crash happening in real time.
I don’t know what this comment was meant to lead to, just that I’ve gotten great comfort in some ways from reading your thoughts but that angsty teen in the background is starting to grumble about being heard again.
This comment gave me pause. I think 'angsty teen' has been the main chord playing for most of my life; even since before I was a teen. I believe that, in the last few years, I finally took a long-delayed step towards actually growing up. Doing a wilderness vigil with Martin Shaw's School of Myth was a big part of that. But it's only a step, and a very belated one.
I think this writing is me taking a lot of my angsty teen furniture and ornaments out of their storage, turning them over in the dim light, and wondering what I am supposed to do with them now. And - as I wrote back in January and February - I think that what I have here is probably a trap. I have the idea that the trap can be carefully investigated and that, maybe, doing that will help me and others to avoid 'touted ways out' that actually only work the trap tighter.
But I'm concerned about writing something without offering an answer. I'm concerned about stirring up energies that only hurt people. I could take either of the routes you mention. I've been thinking a lot about each of them this year. And then I could say that was my answer and then maybe some way down the line I'd find that I had just been trying to escape the inescapable.
Writing it feels good, certainly. Like stretching after too long cooped up. I'd like to hear something from the day you find yourself in, about the train wreck happening in real time. Real time is good stuff. I think that the surest thing I can say about the way out of this trap is that it involves keeping an eye on my attitude to time.
I wouldn’t be concerned about stirring up energies in people that may hurt them. I’ve always liked misfits (I was very much the shy teacher’s pet who never misbehaved) and I think the role of misfits, even if it’s just stirring up people’s thoughts and leaving a lot of unanswered questions, is becoming more and more important. If you tried to give me some sort of answer to these traps, I think I would have stopped reading you at that point!
I’m coming to think there are no answers.
My growing up, or maybe the start of my growing up experience was triggered by the sort of trauma a few years ago that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Maybe coming close to death will be a wake up call (or the start of an answer) for many.
I’m reading Hospicing Modernity at the moment and I’m struggling with it. However her personal stories about the children in NZ and what they say and her story of the hummingbird in the coma filled me with such joy and so I slog on through it.
Here’s what’s happening here… over the last few days we’ve had a bit of a tropical depression which has brought a good thorough rain after almost two months of dry, hot summer. I hate how they call it a depression because the rain fills me with so much joy. Everything comes alive! The mushrooms are popping up everywhere!
So anyway, I’ve been concerned the last couple of weeks because none of our flowering trees have flying pollinators, just a few of our stingless bees (I put in a dozen hives of the native stingless bees when I got into the same panic last year regarding insect numbers). So last night, after two days of rain, we were inundated with the small flying midgies (non-biting) that flock inside our house attracted to the lights. So an early-to-bed for us all last night in order to avoid our house being overrun. And today it seems noisier with cicadas and I saw a bunch of grasshoppers this morning. I accidentally brushed a praying mantis off my back earlier. Maybe all these insects have been confused about when they should be showing up. I’ll keep an eye out for fireflies tonight.
Anyways, hope you and your family are well Nicholas. Dougald has kindly let me join his talks next month. The wilderness vigil with Martin; I really hope to one day hear about what you possibly discovered or learnt!
The weight of this way of working would be beyond my capacity. Enjoyed reading this, though.
Thanks. You know I took that first part as a compliment and then remembered how it's been beyond my capacity for so long and I've refused to admit it. This was much easier for me than many similar occasions in the past.
It was certainly an expression of admiration!
I'm a bit allergic :-)